Challenge [ 95 ] Poison

[tishannia.livejournal.com]

Challenge: [ 95 ] Poison
Title: Lost
Word Count: 125
Spoilers: None
Notes: God I really need to enter more challenges. I'm so lazy. Enjoy. 

Licking the delicate skin of his face and the softness of his lips, he was entranced and enticed. Dead were the once blissful thoughts and memories of the past, the echoing laughter and the spill of joyous tears.  It seemed natural and he was oblivious. 

The preservation of perceivable life was sketchy at that, but any mirror would reflect an unblemished image.

And only when the coils of darkness ensnared him wholly, would he suffer the pain and would he exist with the bitter soul that had been formed. 

The last breath was choked from his body, and his heart became a slow and taunting dance…

Enraptured, he fell.

And nobody could give their one last breath to save the lost from an unseen poison. 

Comments

[blacksunl1ght.livejournal.com]

"Enraptured, he falls" is a very powerful line. Well done. However, the switch from past to present tense doesn't make sense, and it seems in places like you tried too hard to use interesting vocabulary and ended up not making very much sense. I think you have a good idea here, but it could use a little refining.

[tishannia.livejournal.com]

Thank you. ♥

Yeah, I spent a while after I posted this looking at it because... I'm not sure where my head was. xD *tries to fix it up*

[lindskaba.livejournal.com]

Your language is very nice here, really lovely :)

[tishannia.livejournal.com]

♥ ty.

[tabitha-dornoc.livejournal.com]

I'd agree that you use very particular language here, but I don't find it daunting. I have to read it very very carefully, but your ideas and character are so ambiguous, that having word choices and structures that force the reader to pay close attention is rather a clever thing to do. :)

[tishannia.livejournal.com]

♥ ty. :] I'm not quite sure where all those words came from, really. Because none of my other writing pieces have used words such as those. XD