kh_drabble | (no subject)

Challenge: Don't Get Caught
Title: Don't Panic
Word Count: 363
Notes: Hey, I'm new writer to the whole spectrum of fictional writing. Please crit like woah, I know I need it. Also, I have a slightly skewed take of the Apprentices, mostly that they treat each other more or less like brothers. And I'm bad at the whole cuts and formatting bit, so lets see how this goes.

The sky was overcast that Wednesday night in the Radiant Garden, not that it helped to hide the silver-hair of the boy desperately trying to remain unseen. He moved jerkily, it the first time he ever attempted to be secretive. Shooting obvious glance down hallways before entering and half shuffling half running he nervously thought Why am I trying to hide? It is not as if this section of the castle is restricted to me. I have taken on the duties as first to the throne and therefore I should be granted the ability to do as I please. Even visit garden behind the solider barracks at a late hour. Not like we have an exam tomorrow, or I will land myself in a precarious situation. Just spending my personal time with someone outside the main house, right. Not a monumental occasion. No need to fear getting caught-

His thoughts stopped with a most unmanly yelp as a form appeared in front of him.

“You’re out late tonight little dude. What ya up to?” Braig’s voice was playful and tinged with suspicion.

Don’t stutter, it nothing, don’t panic. Why am I panicking?

“Nothing.” Don’t elaborate, concise. Everyone tells me be concise, no need for extraneous words.

“Liar! You talk nonstop and now ‘nothin’? Who ya goin’ to see? A lady-friend?” Tease, tease, tease. If Braig was good at anything (in Even’s opinion not really) it was teasing.

“Ah-eh-fh No! Nothing of the sort.” The shifting of his copper eyes and folded arms told all.

Braig laughed openly and moved to throw an arm over his shoulders. “Oh Xeha. Xeha Xeha Xeha-” Sniggering stopped him from finishing.

“There is a “nort” following.”

“Don’t get so huffy! Man, you’re as bad as Even.” He slapped Xehanort’s back roughly, “Go on, its not like we don’t all know Ais. Just make sure you don’t caught. Even will have his head and mine. Overprotective bastard, heh.” Shoving him slightly, Braig disappeared as unnoticed as he came.

Don’t get caught. Why do I feel like this is first of many times I’ll hear that phrase?

With the grace of a new born giraffe Xehanort crept into the dark.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm always happy to give constructive criticism to anyone who asks, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable critiquing a piece I'm competing against. How about I post the concrit after the voting is over?

I for some reason keep forgetting this is a competition, guess I'm so use to everything being one. Any feed back is great, no matter when its received. Thanks for offering anyways

baw i kinda feel the same way hahaha it was cute~ and it flowed nicey but some of the words were wrong i think

and lololol saix hahha >w<''' i like that nickname too~ Xeha haha it's cute and the way you wrote for them in genera was really nice to see haha♥

Thanks! Xeha is just so fun to say, and also means he's probably been called Norty at some point, which makes me giggle.

By wrong, do you mean used improperly or missing something?

HAHHA norty >w<

ummmm wrong....ike....i guess misused yeah or maybe not ahha i just reread it and i dunno what im taking about ahhaha some of them are misspelled but its only like not plural and stuff hahaha

Oh thank Crickt! I thought I being stupid and actually misusing words! Yeah, I miss plurals all the time and stuff like that, no matter how often I proof-read.

haha sorry to worry you!!♥

I'm a fan of catching the Apprentices teasing each other this way. :) I like your take on them, and how this drabble works with the prompt. I'm glad you posted, hun. <3

Crit wise, it seems like you're missing some words and puncutation to make the sentences really flow. I like to read my writing aloud before I post it. Usually you can pick out the bits that don't sound right, better than when you just read it silently. You'll notice a missed word this way, and you'll better know where to place your commas or new sentences based on how you phrase it when reading. Then, grab someone else to read over your fics - usually a new set of eyes can catch the little mistakes that the writer tends to miss out of familiarity. :) Hope to see your work again!

That's a great tip! Thanks! I'm constantly forgetting the little bits

hahaha like a newborn giraffe!!
very cute for a first

Oookay. My concrit is going to be longer than the actual fic, I'm afraid. Now, keep in mind, I wouldn't do this except that you asked for a thorough critique. I also wouldn't do it if I thought your writing was absolutely terrible. Despite the flaws I'm about to discuss, your drabble has some definite high points and potential, and I'm looking forward to your entries in the future. Now, starting from the big stuff:

First, in a drabble you're basically presenting a single emotional moment or situation. If the reader doesn't understand that situation, you're in trouble. Here, your moment was "Xehanort is sneaking out to see Ais." But it's not entirely clear from the drabble why they're meeting. Because they're friends, would be my best guess, but Braig's dialogue and Xehanort's reaction to it seem to imply that they might be romantically involved. Since neither canon nor fanon establish anything like either casual friendship or love between them, the reader doesn't understand anything about this relationship that you didn't tell them, and you didn't tell them much. Confused readers are sad readers.

And it's not at all clear why Xehanort has to sneak. I still have no idea why that is, after several readings. Apparently Even is overprotective - but who is he protecting from what? It sounds silly to say that a drabble has a plot hole, but... your drabble has a plot hole.

Next most important, characterization. I'm not a fanatic about keeping characters IC with canon, but a drabble is a bad place for drastic characterization experiments, unless the difference from the canon personality, and the reasons for it, is the whole point and focus for the fic. You just don't have room. You have to portray this new personality to the reader, and, if it's a true change instead of just a reinterpretation, show why the character is different than usual. To do that while also getting across an unrelated main point when you only have six hundred words... well, I don't say impossible, but it's prohibitively difficult. Try to keep your characters close to IC in canon unless the difference is the whole point of the piece.

Third, new writers get told to add more detail, but it's a bit more complicated than that. There's good detail, and there's bad detail. If a detail tells the reader more about what's happening, it's good - if it distracts them with something unrelated, it's bad. The detail about Xehanort's and Braig's emotions during their conversations was good. That conversation and the emotional dynamic around it was basically the center of the drabble, and the detail you put in makes that dialogue the most enjoyable part of the fic. In the beginning, explaining that it's Wednesday and that Xehanort has silver hair is bad detail - the Wednesday part, especially, has nothing to do with anything. It distracts the reader and wastes precious words.

The line at the end, with "the grace of a newborn giraffe," is also a bit of a problem. I'm pretty sure you meant this sarcastically, trying to describe Xehanort as coltish and clumsy. I'd advise staying away from sarcasm in your narration. In fiction, unless the narrator is a character with a personality, the reader expects him to honestly report what's happening. Though an impersonal narrator need not always say everything he means, he must mean everything he says. Besides, without any cues of personality or tone of voice, sarcasm is just too easy to miss. A character, of course, can be as sarcastic as her personality calls for, though you should remember that the reader still can't hear tone of voice and needs a word or two to clue them in that sarcasm is happening.

Lastly, grammar and diction. I won't go all red pen on specific words and marks unless you want me to, but in general, watch your sentence structure. You've got a couple fragments and you tend to drop the little verbs (was, had, etc.) Watch your commas, too: you're missing quite a few that you should have and you have some you shouldn't. Don't put a hyphen between an adjective and the noun it describes. You can call someone a "silver-haired youth," because "silver-haired" is being glommed into a single adjective modifying "youth," but the stuff on the kid's head is "silver hair," since now "silver" is an adjective by itself, modifying the noun "hair."

I hope you're not regretting asking for concrit. I really respect anyone who asks, because it means they're trying to get better, and all writers should always be trying to get better. (And yes, this means thorough concrit is always welcome on anything I write.)

You are my hero! Thank you so much for devoting so much effort to help me! Very, very helpful.

All of this is based off my head cannon, which I obviously couldn't explain in such a short space. So I ignored that people would need more background on what how I thought about them. Which is definitely something I need to work on.

Also, I never really realized that the narration isn't character, therefore I shouldn't characterize it. Or how to hyphenate.

I know my grammar is terrible, and I need to work on it. As a science sort of person, I really can wing it. Thats another reason I'm trying to participate, more practice. I probably should have re-read it more, but I had an exam the next day that I needed to study for.... lame excuse is lame....

Again, thank you for doing that. It addresses so many things I completely over looked about this medium and general fiction writing.