The Fire-Thorn

[taichara]

Title: The Fire-Thorn
Challenge: None
Words: 260
Characters: Marluxia, Axel.
Spoilers: References the end of Chain of Memories, Sora's Story.
Notes: warning -- dark drabble ahead! violence, blood, unpleasant ending for one character. possibly some other implied ideas. reader discretion is advised.


the Fire-Thorn

It was still and quiet now, the pale child-witch tending to the sleeping child of light;
and the perfect time for a scattered blossom to drag himself --
weeping a false-life like thick dead blood behind him --
back from the Nothing and into the marble cradle of the stony flowers.

Breath hitching in his chest, he paused as weakness washed over him
and a rosy corona flared, unfurling, on narrow shoulders briefly ...

And then, a rush of blood and fire sent him crushed against one milky wall
Like a dead dusty rose pinned out to dry.

He could barely choke the words through lips drawn and pale,
as the iron-velvet hands coiled round his flanks, pressed him to the marble.


'Axel ...

'Traitor.'


He could feel the fever-heat of his captor, as his vision filled
with blood-fire mane; and sharp white teeth closed briefly on his neck,
traced down his throat.


"Traitor? Me?
"My dear flower-prince, you are mistaken.

"The only traitor here is you."


His mouth twists in anger; then in agony the boy had never given him to know,
as the fire spreads against him, eating him alive.

His captor smiles a hunter's smile, and draws back one hand
To stroke one perfect cheek soft as a rose's petal;
Then tears across the milk-rose's throat -- a perfect stroke --
With fire-tempered razor like a poisoned thorn.

And Axel purrs to the fading hollow eyes, the pale face flecked now with scarlet dewdrops.


"Why did you ever think that you could escape me ...?"

Comments

[sorastalker.livejournal.com]

O_O wow...if I'm understanding this right, this is Marluxia after Sora kicked his butt--err, defeated him and......then Axel comes!!! yay for Axel! erm, yay for yaoi too??? this is really good! yay!

[taichara]

Yes indeed, this one's set after the final battle in Sora's Story. Mostly because I have a sneaking suspicion about Marluxia in that scenario ...

Yaoi? Maybe. ^_^ The idea occured to me after it was written that it could be taken that way (thus the warning), but it wasn't the intent. I think ...

*eyes characters suspiciously*

[sabbato.livejournal.com]

I like the idea behind it, the detail, but I'm sure you could more graphic. Is it suposed to be more poem like? If not try writing in paragraphs, I find myself getting lost if that's not the case.

But it's good! Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the idea and I'd love to see you expand on it.

[sabbato.livejournal.com]

Really? Well then, I better watch out - detail is my favorite thing.

Influenced by epics? That's actually really neat! I'm going to read over it again, I'm sure that I'll understand it - I'm just tired XD; [/bad excuse]

[taichara]

(waugh, deleted my post to fix spelling and seemed to have screwed many things up thereby ...)

If there are sections that aren't making sense, which are they? I might not be being as clear as I'd like ..

[sabbato.livejournal.com]

XD No no, it's not you. It's me. See after reading it againg it made a lot more sense

[taichara]

Oh, good. I feel better now XD

[sabbato.livejournal.com]

XD Hee hee, no problem. And I spelt again wrong.... damn.

[taichara]

The typos, they're taking over ...

At least you didn't try to repost like I did *oi*

[sabbato.livejournal.com]

Ohh, I've done that before XD; Don't worry you're not alone.

[taichara]

I could probably be more graphic, but it doesn't quite fit -- the scene played rather quickly in my head before I wrote it. Hm .. *thinks*

On the other hand, I've seen less graphic description than what I've used here get smacked down fairly quickly in other fora, so I guess I've just gotten a little gunshy about it, alas.


Poem vs. prose style ... yeh, my writing is usually more like poetry than prose, or so I've been told; I'm influenced a good deal by epics and suchlike. This one's actually (imo) more straightforward than some of my other ones; it has less metaphor than I often write. ^_^


Glad you liked it, even if it came out a little incomprehensible ... many thankyous! ^_^;

[wrong.livejournal.com]

I love the idea. I absolutely adore the pairing, and I would be really interested if you could tidy up the drabble and write it out clearer. It would be an absolute pleasure to read it.

[taichara]

Thank ye kind ^_^

Although I have to query about what you mean by tidy it ... the lines are set the way they are in order to follow a certain rhythm -- I suppose it is a bit more like poetry than straight prose *grins at fuyu_no_tsuki*

[wrong.livejournal.com]

I would love to read it in prose. The poetry style is nice and all, but I feel that it captures very briefly what you actually meant for the tale to unfold, as the style breaks the story up into very disconcerting pieces that do not flow very well together. I get the idea from your lines that it would be coming from Marl's POV, and I want to know what Marl is feeling, what Marl is thinking, from the omniscient POV. About how he realises that Axel is not what he thought he was, and...wow, I nattered.

I mean, I'm really inspired by your drabble and I would want to write the prose version of it, really, really, but I'd loved to see it from your own words.

[taichara]

Hm. Someday I might tackle a more detailed version -- it's certainly an idea I was entertaining when I wrote this one -- but the brevity is part of what I was aiming for; that sudden shock when there is no time for thought, events just happen.


Maybe I'll tackle an extended version when I get "my" Order sorted out ... it had occured to me that this scene would fit very nicely immediately after Jewel In The Lotus, as an example .. *evil*

Fair warning, though; the style justn't change a whole lot, the paragraphs just get bigger ... and the metaphors breed like rabbits XD

[wrong.livejournal.com]

I would look forward to it.

[taichara]

I'll keep it in mind, then XD

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

I feel that it captures very briefly what you actually meant for the tale to unfold

Is that not the point of drabbles?

the style breaks the story up into very disconcerting pieces that do not flow very well together

I disagree with this sentiment; I feel that Tai's style is here very much appropriate for the suddeness of the motion,a s it were. Marluxia drags himself back into the world, and Axel is right on him,and then all is death.

About how he realises that Axel is not what he thought he was, and...wow, I nattered.

Nattering aside :) - and goodness knows I'm hardly innocent of rambling - I think you are painting your own perception here. I, personally, read nothing of that sentiment in this, and don't see how Marluxia would have had time to think any such thing.

I mean, I'm really inspired by your drabble and I would want to write the prose version of it, really, really, but I'd loved to see it from your own words.

I certainly don't speak for Taichara, but I have to say that I find this comment rather on the insulting side. Or aren't you inferring some sort of inferiour execution of the piece? because that's what it seems you're doing.

[wrong.livejournal.com]

Taichara has her own style of writing, and I don't disagree with what she has written. For me, I felt that the style breaks a little of the flow, which I feel is a shame since some essence is lost, at least for me.

I'm sorry if you felt that I am insulting her writing ability by insinuating that I could write a better version of her piece, but as you pointed out, I have a different view of the story she has painted, and I would like to have explored what Marluxia may have thought or experienced in this instance.

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

I think we'll have to agree to disagree, because I think the drabble shows pretty much exactly what Marluxia felt those last couple of breaths, even he even got two breaths...

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

As with many of your pieces, Tai, you have a way of using imagery to get your point across which surpasses mere narrative - and this scene certainly could not be considered a drabble if it were "written out long" in a more usual style. This piece is closer to straight narrative than most. I call for more epithets next time, if indeed any change need be made. Of course, I have the advantage of long experience with your style. Your pieces fot the Order have been lovely, keep up the good work.

*put in mind of Carlin*

[taichara]

You want more epithets? *boggles*

.. Well, no promises .. they just sort of happen. There's generally more than here, though, isn't there ... I like this one, though ^_^

I'm not sure I'd say that this style "surpasses narrative", though, that might be taking things a little much ...


*thinks of Carlin in or dealing with the Order*

*brain promptly overloads*


Curse you ...!! *flails* XD

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

I like your epithets. Like in [chosen]. [chosen] had many lovely epithets. :D The Order lends themselves to them so easily, too.

Oh, I like this one, too. It's very nice, and I'm sure Axel is happy to get some exercise.


I was actually thinking more of the piece with Carlin and the basket of something interesting, but I can see why your brain might hurt now. Crossover? *ebils*

[taichara]

They do! I need to know more about the "newer" members, so I can see what my poor deranged mind ofers by way of images for them ^_^

(.. other than "Mooove Ziiig!!" XD )


Yeh, it's good to let fire-mane there finally get some screentime again; he's only been waiting since before he had a name ... *snickers*


The basket with something interesting -- that's a linkage I never thought of (although it works rather opposite to this one, really; there was plenty of time to 'see' what Carlin felt about the matter ..)

And no! No crossovers! Not with that! Gah!! >_

[eliyes.livejournal.com]

*ebils*