I like your characterization in this piece a lot! Axel's dialogue is very good, very in-character. I love when Axel speaks so fiercely to Roxas :wibble: It always gets me, especially when it's done well -- my favorite bit is, "Or since it's you, Roxas... how about ten?" I can totally here Quinton Flynn saying the line in my head XD However, there are quite a few typos, and your sentence structure is a little sloppy in my opinion ^^; It might be the excessive use of commas? Not sure. It's a nice piece, though -- if you got yourself a reliable beta, I think it could be something better ♥
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2007-04-02 09:45 pm (UTC)I can totally here Quinton Flynn saying the line in my head XDHowever, there are quite a few typos, and your sentence structure is a little sloppy in my opinion ^^; It might be the excessive use of commas? Not sure. It's a nice piece, though -- if you got yourself a reliable beta, I think it could be something better ♥