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Apr. 4th, 2005 11:01 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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kh_drabbleChallenge: Colors
Title: Offer
Word Count: 119
(anything else): G-rated. CoM spoiler and Naminé-centric. Slight infatuation implied. Feedback appreciated!
She laments that faceless men in black have darted in and out of her world for years, even though she did not have very many friends before. Her birthtown never did embrace girls with mind-bending powers. Instead, they locked them in cellars.
During one of those long nights, he had waited at her bedside as she stirred from a dreamless sleep. Even in the cellar's darkness, his red mane of spikes captivated her. Behind his misty eyes lurked a mind that not even she could read.
"Girl, this town will only give you a lifetime in chains.
"We can give you home."
Naminé winces at the memory and crumples her new white dress.
------------------------------
Well, what do you think? I tried not to over-edit it like last time.
If you can, please answer one or more of these questions in your comment:
- Did you understand what was going on in the story? Was it too vague?
- Did I pack too many adjectives in the first sentence? Were adjectives a problem for the whole story?
- Did the last sentence make sense? What was your reaction as you read it?
- Did you enjoy reading it? (Be honest :) What was your gut reaction as you read this story?
Thanks a lot in advance!
Title: Offer
Word Count: 119
(anything else): G-rated. CoM spoiler and Naminé-centric. Slight infatuation implied. Feedback appreciated!
She laments that faceless men in black have darted in and out of her world for years, even though she did not have very many friends before. Her birthtown never did embrace girls with mind-bending powers. Instead, they locked them in cellars.
During one of those long nights, he had waited at her bedside as she stirred from a dreamless sleep. Even in the cellar's darkness, his red mane of spikes captivated her. Behind his misty eyes lurked a mind that not even she could read.
"Girl, this town will only give you a lifetime in chains.
"We can give you home."
Naminé winces at the memory and crumples her new white dress.
------------------------------
Well, what do you think? I tried not to over-edit it like last time.
If you can, please answer one or more of these questions in your comment:
- Did you understand what was going on in the story? Was it too vague?
- Did I pack too many adjectives in the first sentence? Were adjectives a problem for the whole story?
- Did the last sentence make sense? What was your reaction as you read it?
- Did you enjoy reading it? (Be honest :) What was your gut reaction as you read this story?
Thanks a lot in advance!
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-05 04:02 pm (UTC)We can give you a home would have probably struck the point better.
During one of those long nights, he had waited
beside her or at her side
as she had stirred from a dreamless sleep.
(I'm nitpicky about tenses ^^; )
I did not see any problem with adjectives. The drabble was very clear. The last sentence was wonderful---it really really left an impression, brief though it was.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-05 04:59 pm (UTC)I'm glad to hear that about the last sentence!
Thanks for your elaborate response! It really helps out when I get feedback outside my English class.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-05 05:00 pm (UTC)beside her or at her side"
I'm glad you picked up on that. I had a typo; it was supposed to be bedside. XD;; Thanks again for your help though!