Ooh, I really like this. It's a common theme but the delivery feels really fresh.
I like the first and last lines especially. The way that you said the words became slimy was a nice effect, too. The only thing that threw me off was "a short, grassy meadow" -- just because I wasn't sure whether you meant that the grass in the meadow was short, or that the meadow itself was short, as in a short distance to breeze over.
And I also liked the detail of his shoulders being cold thrown in at the end -- it follows with the theme well and sort of twists the mood of the last line. Very nice all around. ♥
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2007-01-17 08:40 pm (UTC)I like the first and last lines especially. The way that you said the words became slimy was a nice effect, too. The only thing that threw me off was "a short, grassy meadow" -- just because I wasn't sure whether you meant that the grass in the meadow was short, or that the meadow itself was short, as in a short distance to breeze over.
And I also liked the detail of his shoulders being cold thrown in at the end -- it follows with the theme well and sort of twists the mood of the last line. Very nice all around. ♥