9: LOVE that last line. Yeah, Riku's so pale, he'd totally FRY in the sun without a lot of sunscreen. XD The language is rather rough in the beginning of this. You use fragments where they just break up the flow and make things confusing. You could go into more detail about just how the solstice is celebrated on Destiny Island. I do like the idea that the heartless are stronger during the solstice and can touch children's dreams during this time, as well as Riku's link to them. It's a good idea, but needs more detail to really work.
10: I like the way you detailed the death. Something about metal and the sound of snapping bone just really works in my head. I would ask if this might work better in third person rather than first. If you want to keep it in first, the the feel of Sora's personality needs to be stronger. Yes, killing Riku would be traumatic, but HOW traumatic? Would Sora even be capable of putting his thoughts into coherent words? I like the use of the prompt in this one. Bright dead eyes, it's delightfully creepy.
13: Cute, fluffy, I like the details of the two boys getting alone time because it's too hot for anyone to be out. However, it doesn't really go much of anywhere. This drabble is fluff and there's nothing wrong with fluff, but there isn't much there for me to critique, I'm afraid XD;
18: This one...is freaking ADORABLE. XD I love the interaction between the three and I adore the cuteness and it's just so very Riku to have embarrassing boxers on under all the cool pretense he gives off. Kairi's commando comment is particularly hilarious. Some of your grammar is a little rough (you use a contraction towards the end where you shouldn't), but over all it works.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2007-03-31 11:33 pm (UTC)10: I like the way you detailed the death. Something about metal and the sound of snapping bone just really works in my head. I would ask if this might work better in third person rather than first. If you want to keep it in first, the the feel of Sora's personality needs to be stronger. Yes, killing Riku would be traumatic, but HOW traumatic? Would Sora even be capable of putting his thoughts into coherent words? I like the use of the prompt in this one. Bright dead eyes, it's delightfully creepy.
13: Cute, fluffy, I like the details of the two boys getting alone time because it's too hot for anyone to be out. However, it doesn't really go much of anywhere. This drabble is fluff and there's nothing wrong with fluff, but there isn't much there for me to critique, I'm afraid XD;
18: This one...is freaking ADORABLE. XD I love the interaction between the three and I adore the cuteness and it's just so very Riku to have embarrassing boxers on under all the cool pretense he gives off. Kairi's commando comment is particularly hilarious. Some of your grammar is a little rough (you use a contraction towards the end where you shouldn't), but over all it works.