wheee, drabble!!
Sep. 24th, 2005 12:34 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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kh_drabbletitle: Scream of the Butterfly
challenge: scream
word count: 187
notes: blah. set right before kh, i guess. somewhat philosophical. riku, of course. enjoy!
He was pretty sure that he was the only one who had noticed. No one else had said anything, and they all seemed to be carrying on as if everything were perfectly normal.
At first he thought he was crazy, that he was just imagining things. After all, it did sound a bit ridiculous. Things like that didn’t happen, weren’t supposed to happen. The others probably would have laughed at him. But then it happened again.
He sat, staring up at the darkened sky dotted by thousands of tiny pinpricks of light - waiting. This was the third night he had spent out of bed, determined to see if he was right, to see if it was real.
As he watched, scanning the heavens carefully for what he knew would come eventually, another star flickered out of existence. It simply disappeared, fading into the blackness.
He doubted anyone would miss it - after all, there were so many stars up there, what was the difference of one, more or less? But he couldn't help wondering if, when a star went out, it made any sound at all.
end
challenge: scream
word count: 187
notes: blah. set right before kh, i guess. somewhat philosophical. riku, of course. enjoy!
He was pretty sure that he was the only one who had noticed. No one else had said anything, and they all seemed to be carrying on as if everything were perfectly normal.
At first he thought he was crazy, that he was just imagining things. After all, it did sound a bit ridiculous. Things like that didn’t happen, weren’t supposed to happen. The others probably would have laughed at him. But then it happened again.
He sat, staring up at the darkened sky dotted by thousands of tiny pinpricks of light - waiting. This was the third night he had spent out of bed, determined to see if he was right, to see if it was real.
As he watched, scanning the heavens carefully for what he knew would come eventually, another star flickered out of existence. It simply disappeared, fading into the blackness.
He doubted anyone would miss it - after all, there were so many stars up there, what was the difference of one, more or less? But he couldn't help wondering if, when a star went out, it made any sound at all.
end
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no subject
Date: 2005-09-24 03:51 am (UTC)Anyhoo, great drabble. The idea of stars making noise when they die... Neato.
I like the way you repeat things to emphasize them but it doesn't feel... forced and copy-and-pasted. Like this: "Things like that didn’t happen, weren’t supposed to happen." And how you restate points in new ways, elaborating on them. Sorry to crowd with examples, but like this: "He was pretty sure that he was the only one who had noticed. No one else had said anything, and they all seemed to be carrying on as if everything were perfectly normal." I mean, you could have just said "He was the only one who had noticed" and it would've gotten the point accross, but you elaborated very nicely.
Overall (yay! that means no more of my nitpicking!), this drabble feels very polished (see above examples)an I love the way you closed it.
Okay, now I have to think of one bad thing. Thinking... Thinking... Oh! The sentence "The others probably would have laughed at him." doesn't seem quite right. (I haven't the least idea why.)
[/boring nitpickiness]
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Date: 2005-09-24 03:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-24 04:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-24 09:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-24 10:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-24 02:10 pm (UTC)