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kh_drabbleChallenge: [200] All You Did (was Save My Life)
Title: Put the Heartbeat Back Inside.
Word Count: 600 exactly.
Spoilers: KHII.
Characters: Axel, Roxas.
Summary: You saved my life, even if I'm dying for you, because without you I'd never have had a life to give away.
You changed me, you really did.
In you came, this tiny little thing who didn’t have a clue what was going on, and I made the best mistake of all the ones in my time: I looked at you. And you looked back.
You looked right through me, like you could see everything I’d ever done or said or thought just by looking. I’d only ever met one other person who could do that, but Xemnas broke me down into skills and failings then turned away without giving anything back, and you…you just looked at me and didn’t turn away.
I dunno what you saw in me. I’m a liar to the world (and you saw that; you always know when to believe me and when not to), but I’m no liar to myself, and I know what was in me then: a whole lotta nothing, strung together with curiosity and thrill-seeking. I’d’ve set the world on fire just to watch it burn—hell, I’ve done that, before and since, literally and not. There was nothing in there you should’ve wanted to see again even a little bit. But you, you didn’t look away. Somewhere in there, you saw something worth sticking around for.
And I, well, I guess I had to try to make it true for you.
I’m not a good person. I never was, but with you, for you, I wanted things. I’d forgotten what that was like. I liked you, me, who didn’t like anyone and never had. You don’t know, ‘cause you can’t see what I’m like when you’re not there, but when you were around, I slowed down to a crawl, and I enjoyed it. I was calm, I wasn’t happy but I was damn close, I was a lot of things I’d never been before.
Then you left.
And I wasn’t calm anymore, or happy, but I was lost and angry and hurt and you have no idea how much better that was than being nothing. You’d put all this stuff into me, and even when you ripped yourself out of me, it was still there. I wanted you back, and not getting you hurt so much I owe you more than I could ever pay for making me into someone who could be hurt.
Maybe this is enough to repay. Maybe not, maybe I’ll have to find you in the next life to keep paying. I’m okay with that.
Because that’s what you did. I didn’t think I’d have a next life. I wasn’t real enough, not me, who cared for nothing and wanted nothing and played with fire smiling. You made me real enough.
Real enough to die.
Maybe that doesn’t sound like much to you, but the person I was before you couldn’t have died because he wasn’t alive. Now I may be hurt and tired and lonely with only a light of you for company, but I’m more alive than I’ve ever been. You made that happen, Roxas, not Xemnas or Kingdom Hearts, you made me happy to see him and sad to not see you and angry that I couldn’t get you back and lonely and calm and tired and—
He has your eyes. I think I can see you looking through them. He couldn’t look through me like that. Maybe you can’t talk to me, but that’s you looking through me and not turning away.
So, bye, Roxas. I dunno if it makes a difference, but you saved me as much as I could be saved—more than I could be saved. For what it’s worth, thanks.
Title: Put the Heartbeat Back Inside.
Word Count: 600 exactly.
Spoilers: KHII.
Characters: Axel, Roxas.
Summary: You saved my life, even if I'm dying for you, because without you I'd never have had a life to give away.
You changed me, you really did.
In you came, this tiny little thing who didn’t have a clue what was going on, and I made the best mistake of all the ones in my time: I looked at you. And you looked back.
You looked right through me, like you could see everything I’d ever done or said or thought just by looking. I’d only ever met one other person who could do that, but Xemnas broke me down into skills and failings then turned away without giving anything back, and you…you just looked at me and didn’t turn away.
I dunno what you saw in me. I’m a liar to the world (and you saw that; you always know when to believe me and when not to), but I’m no liar to myself, and I know what was in me then: a whole lotta nothing, strung together with curiosity and thrill-seeking. I’d’ve set the world on fire just to watch it burn—hell, I’ve done that, before and since, literally and not. There was nothing in there you should’ve wanted to see again even a little bit. But you, you didn’t look away. Somewhere in there, you saw something worth sticking around for.
And I, well, I guess I had to try to make it true for you.
I’m not a good person. I never was, but with you, for you, I wanted things. I’d forgotten what that was like. I liked you, me, who didn’t like anyone and never had. You don’t know, ‘cause you can’t see what I’m like when you’re not there, but when you were around, I slowed down to a crawl, and I enjoyed it. I was calm, I wasn’t happy but I was damn close, I was a lot of things I’d never been before.
Then you left.
And I wasn’t calm anymore, or happy, but I was lost and angry and hurt and you have no idea how much better that was than being nothing. You’d put all this stuff into me, and even when you ripped yourself out of me, it was still there. I wanted you back, and not getting you hurt so much I owe you more than I could ever pay for making me into someone who could be hurt.
Maybe this is enough to repay. Maybe not, maybe I’ll have to find you in the next life to keep paying. I’m okay with that.
Because that’s what you did. I didn’t think I’d have a next life. I wasn’t real enough, not me, who cared for nothing and wanted nothing and played with fire smiling. You made me real enough.
Real enough to die.
Maybe that doesn’t sound like much to you, but the person I was before you couldn’t have died because he wasn’t alive. Now I may be hurt and tired and lonely with only a light of you for company, but I’m more alive than I’ve ever been. You made that happen, Roxas, not Xemnas or Kingdom Hearts, you made me happy to see him and sad to not see you and angry that I couldn’t get you back and lonely and calm and tired and—
He has your eyes. I think I can see you looking through them. He couldn’t look through me like that. Maybe you can’t talk to me, but that’s you looking through me and not turning away.
So, bye, Roxas. I dunno if it makes a difference, but you saved me as much as I could be saved—more than I could be saved. For what it’s worth, thanks.
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-14 01:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-14 01:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-14 01:57 am (UTC)Very rarely do I ever read a fan piece written in first person that manages to stay in character. This was so Axel from first line to last. I can't even start to pick out a favorite line because it's all just too beautiful.
<3!
no subject
Date: 2009-09-14 02:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-14 05:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-14 05:52 am (UTC)Everyone else has somehow managed to avoid a keybashing response, but I just can't do it. Coherency does not compute after reading this. Gah - this! This is Axel and I lovelovelove it!
Adding to mems so that it may be read many a time in the future =]
no subject
Date: 2009-09-14 10:10 am (UTC)*rendered speechless*
Yeah, that awesome.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-17 11:21 am (UTC)I wasn’t real enough, not me, who cared for nothing and wanted nothing and played with fire smiling. <3